The Grieving Doesn't End

It's the thing that no one told me. And it's probably what continues to surprise me the most. No matter what. the grieving never seems to end.

Every milestone. Every scary moment. Every time I hesitate about an adult thing. I reach for something, and it's not there. There's no support. There's no advice, no listening ear. I have to figure it out alone.

And yes, I chose this life. I walk a path of my own making, rocky though it be. But everytime I stumble, I wonder what it would be like to walk it with your guidance. To know you would catch me if I fall.

And I grieve.

I grieve knowing that the version of you that would do those things does not exist -- not for me at least. This is a lesson I learned so many times. You are hurt too. Your path is also rocky, and you also stumble. Your support didn't pick you up either. And I grieve that for you. I grieve that anyone else knows what this pain is like, but especially that you do. You deserved support and guidance. You deserved that kind of love.

And most days, I move through my life without thinking about any of this. I love my life. I love my husband. I would make the same decisions all over again..

But that doesn't change my heartbreak. It doesn't change that I got married without you. It doesn't change that I bought a house that you will never see. That I can't show you the flowers I've planted or talk about the struggles of adulthood. That we can't go shopping together or share a new recipe.

I grieve all of this and so much more. And it's always, always, ALWAYS at the worst times, at the smallest things. It always hurts. I think it always will.